1 year has passed, and with it my life seems to have been catapulted into an entirely new dimension. One that is worlds away from where I was last year.

I married my best friend and he landed himself a new job, and they were the only two positive things to have happened in 2008. The rest, I concluded this time last year, was all negative, traumatic and sad, and would be filed away in the back of my mind in a box marked, ‘bollocks’ - which I would only ever open again when I felt the unusual urge to make myself suicidal or something.

2009 had to be better. It couldn’t get much worse. And though the year before had virtually erased every ounce of faith from my heart and soul I found myself beginning this, the 25th year of my life, with a weeny flicker of hope. Hope that began to glow and glow until eventually it illuminated my entire world and soaked me in a warm light of happiness.

I’ve loved almost every single second of 2009. It’s been the most positive year of my life so far and truth be told, I don’t really want it to end.

So much has altered. So many minor things and so many major things.

Of course the safe arrival of my son, Leonardo, has been a major highlight. The taste of which has been all that sweeter after sampling the bitterness of losing his brother Harry last year.

Harrisons journey from bump to butterfly was never in vain, it taught us all to love and appreciate one another so much more and it reminded us that life, for us, is all about family, friends and looking out for one another.

When we moved house at the end of 2008 we didn’t know a single soul. We’d moved to start afresh, to be a little closer to Jay’s new job and settle somewhere where the pain and memories of sadness weren’t around us every waking moment. We moved again this year, after having a small house fire a few months ago, but we’re still in the same village and our neighbours and the local community have become our friends.

We’ve met some truly wonderful people. I’m so grateful for that.

Having my book published last month is another highlight of course. It’s a dream come true. I can’t help but feel extreme satisfaction at the thought that I was able to take so many negative and traumatic experiences and turn them into something so positive. And my copy of my book now takes pride of place here on my desk in my office. Every time I catch glimpse of it I’m awash with the same kind of pride I feel when I watch my children playing.

2009 hasn’t all been rosy though, we’ve lost a number of loved ones this year. Jay has had to say a tragic farewell to both his Nanny and his Auntie, and between us we also lost an extremely valuable member of our family, our beloved dog, Mr. T.

So there are certainly more stars in the sky now and it pains us not to have them here with us, alas it is a comfort to know that there are others up there helping to take care of my baby boy in heaven.

Mr. C and I have plans to bid farewell to 2009 in style, we’re getting glammed up, consuming the last of the Crimbo booze and are off to flirt with Lady Luck at a Casino in town. How lovely it would be to begin the New Year with a little extra dosh in our sky rockets :-) I plan to let my hair down, (actually strictly speaking that’s not true, I plan on having my hair up tonight, but you know what I mean,) and will be putting my tiny fears aside for the night.

You see for a gal that doesn’t ‘do’ change, it’s gonna be a tough feat for me to let go of the past of which I tend to cling. I’m apprehensive. I know it’s only a day’s difference in the grand scheme of things and that tomorrow probably won’t feel any different to today, (though perhaps tomorrow will bring with it a hangover, as January 1st normally does,) but I’m frightened that with 2009 drawing to an end our new found happiness mightn’t last. I think I’m suffering from ‘Too good to be true’ syndrome.

Just how much happiness is a person allowed?

Ah well, Jay promises it’s only going to get better next year. And I have to believe him. He’s never let me down before.

So here’s hoping, darling friends, family and followers, that 2010 is a joyful, fun and fortune-filled year for us all!

Happy New Year all.

Here’s to the future :-)

Steph x x x

 
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Somebody has stolen my hot water. And it isn’t funny because I really want to get in the tub, I need to wash my hair before Santa comes, (Santa doesn’t bring presents to dirty girls.) 

I hadn’t intended on writing tonight, I thought I would be frantically wrapping pressies and tidying the house as is the norm for me at this time of the year. However, (and I don’t wanna count my chickens early and all that) something miraculous has happened. I seem to have Christmas and all the preparations in the bag already ;-)

I don’t know how I did it. I’ve got Steph Flu and everything. Yet despite my poorliness and despite the snow, which is still settled and glistening all over our neck of the woods, I managed to complete mission Christmas with more speed and efficiency than Anneka Rice on speed. And I’m not even wearing a shell-suit.

The pressies are sitting pretty in their newly acquired gift wrap and bows, and the kitchen now houses many a festive treat. The Fridge is full of baileys and beers, the mistletoe hung, the stockings ready, all that is missing is the main man himself. Who of course won’t be coming unless I clean my hair. I hope who ever stole my hot water returns it soon. 

Whilst I am waiting patiently for the emulsion boiler thingy to kick in, (is this right?!) I thought I’d come pay you a visit.

This is my darling son Leo’s first Christmas. Of course he knows very little of the season to be jolly, though he tends to be pretty jolly most of the time anyway, I’ve just tucked him into bed, his little face grinning from ear to ear. He likes to kick the covers off in order to watch is exasperated Mumma tuck him in over and over again. Tis a game he has become rather fond of, he giggles the entire time. Cheeky boy.

I can’t help but think of his big brother at the moment. Especially since we would have been celebrating Harry’s first birthday in 2 days time, if he had have been born on time. I only hope that wherever he is, he’s safe and happy, and that he knows how much his Mumma loves him.

That’s the thing about Christmas, it magnifies ones life and highlights the important things, the things we’ve achieved, the things we haven’t,  those we’ve loved and those we’ve lost. It’s no wonder so many people suffer at this time of year. 

I am looking at my own life in such a positive light though, I know I’ll see my baby boy again someday, but until then I’m enjoying what I do have. I can’t believe I’ve been blessed with two gorgeous, angelic children, I must have done something really good in a previous life to have them. 
 
Material presents aside I am feeling very lucky this year, even if Santa doesn’t come I reckon I’ve already got the greatest gifts I could hope to achieve and I don’t care how corny that sounds.

As well as the Crimbo decorations, and the newly acquired crystals, candles and other bits and bobs we purchased when we decorated the living room the other week, we have two new additions to the lounge. Two rather massive glass awards with Jay’s name on them ;-)

On Saturday night my extremely deserving husband was promoted from Area Sales Manager to Senior Sales Manager. And not just because he’s getting old either ;-) He’s worked his derriere off this year to ensure that the team he manages have risen above the rest and I’m so proud of him.

So proud. Couldn’t be prouder. Very happy for him. Really very happy. *But also a teeny, weeny, tiny bit jealous. :-/

Don’t be outraged. I know I sound ridiculous. I don’t mean to be jealous it’s just that, well, I’ve never won an award before. 

Seriously 26 years on this planet and the closest thing I’ve ever got to an award was the little medal that they give out to everyone that takes part in the Race For Life.

My chosen occupation can be very lonely. It’s just me and my laptop, and my laptop never tells me when I’ve written something good, (though is very quick to put a red squiggly line under any mistakes I might make!) so you see? No team work, no Christmas Do’s in lavish hotels and no awards ceremony. 

As much as I love writing I can’t help but be green with envy. (or is that dirt?! Oh where the hell is my hot water?!!)

Sunday morning,  whilst I was feeling incredibly fragile owing to the Steph Flu and also the amount of alcohol consumed on Saturday night, Jay returned from his 5 star Christmas Do and proudly displayed the awards he’d won, and I smiled and cried at the same time.

I told him how very proud and very jealous I was and explained to him how I longed to be presented with an award of my own. 

And the moment that succeeded this was one I shall never erase from my heart.

Footsteps tinkered down the hall and rustling could be heard in my bedroom before my little princess returned to the living room and instructed me to close my eyes. 

Obligingly I held out my hands and closed my eyes, and when I opened them again I found myself presented with my famous red heels. The same pair I wore in the photo for the front cover of my book.

Tears in my eyes I glanced back to my sweet daughter, her face lit with excitement. And watched in awe as she started to clap her little hands. 

‘To you Mummy,’ she said in her little high-pitched voice, ‘your award for being the best Mummy and Writer in the world.’

And my heart melted then and there.

Okay so I’ve not quite conquered all in my world. I’m not yet the greatest writer on earth (a girl can dream though,) and I’m not yet worthy of an award of my very own, but I am, in the big blue eyes of my offspring, the bestest Mummy. And who could ask for more than that?!

Merry Christmas and love to all!

Steph x

 
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