1 year has passed, and with it my life seems to have been catapulted into an entirely new dimension. One that is worlds away from where I was last year.

I married my best friend and he landed himself a new job, and they were the only two positive things to have happened in 2008. The rest, I concluded this time last year, was all negative, traumatic and sad, and would be filed away in the back of my mind in a box marked, ‘bollocks’ - which I would only ever open again when I felt the unusual urge to make myself suicidal or something.

2009 had to be better. It couldn’t get much worse. And though the year before had virtually erased every ounce of faith from my heart and soul I found myself beginning this, the 25th year of my life, with a weeny flicker of hope. Hope that began to glow and glow until eventually it illuminated my entire world and soaked me in a warm light of happiness.

I’ve loved almost every single second of 2009. It’s been the most positive year of my life so far and truth be told, I don’t really want it to end.

So much has altered. So many minor things and so many major things.

Of course the safe arrival of my son, Leonardo, has been a major highlight. The taste of which has been all that sweeter after sampling the bitterness of losing his brother Harry last year.

Harrisons journey from bump to butterfly was never in vain, it taught us all to love and appreciate one another so much more and it reminded us that life, for us, is all about family, friends and looking out for one another.

When we moved house at the end of 2008 we didn’t know a single soul. We’d moved to start afresh, to be a little closer to Jay’s new job and settle somewhere where the pain and memories of sadness weren’t around us every waking moment. We moved again this year, after having a small house fire a few months ago, but we’re still in the same village and our neighbours and the local community have become our friends.

We’ve met some truly wonderful people. I’m so grateful for that.

Having my book published last month is another highlight of course. It’s a dream come true. I can’t help but feel extreme satisfaction at the thought that I was able to take so many negative and traumatic experiences and turn them into something so positive. And my copy of my book now takes pride of place here on my desk in my office. Every time I catch glimpse of it I’m awash with the same kind of pride I feel when I watch my children playing.

2009 hasn’t all been rosy though, we’ve lost a number of loved ones this year. Jay has had to say a tragic farewell to both his Nanny and his Auntie, and between us we also lost an extremely valuable member of our family, our beloved dog, Mr. T.

So there are certainly more stars in the sky now and it pains us not to have them here with us, alas it is a comfort to know that there are others up there helping to take care of my baby boy in heaven.

Mr. C and I have plans to bid farewell to 2009 in style, we’re getting glammed up, consuming the last of the Crimbo booze and are off to flirt with Lady Luck at a Casino in town. How lovely it would be to begin the New Year with a little extra dosh in our sky rockets :-) I plan to let my hair down, (actually strictly speaking that’s not true, I plan on having my hair up tonight, but you know what I mean,) and will be putting my tiny fears aside for the night.

You see for a gal that doesn’t ‘do’ change, it’s gonna be a tough feat for me to let go of the past of which I tend to cling. I’m apprehensive. I know it’s only a day’s difference in the grand scheme of things and that tomorrow probably won’t feel any different to today, (though perhaps tomorrow will bring with it a hangover, as January 1st normally does,) but I’m frightened that with 2009 drawing to an end our new found happiness mightn’t last. I think I’m suffering from ‘Too good to be true’ syndrome.

Just how much happiness is a person allowed?

Ah well, Jay promises it’s only going to get better next year. And I have to believe him. He’s never let me down before.

So here’s hoping, darling friends, family and followers, that 2010 is a joyful, fun and fortune-filled year for us all!

Happy New Year all.

Here’s to the future :-)

Steph x x x

 
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My darling baby boy.




I know you're there. I can sense you around me every day. It's a wonderful feeling. Your presence wraps around me like a warm cocoon, and I'm so very grateful, Harry, I really am.




It should have been my job to make you feel safe. I should be guiding you, teaching you, loving you. I wanted that so much. Alas I regret I know now that I could never have rescued you, the way that you have rescued me.




I've been thinking a lot about when we had to say goodbye to one another. It was exactly this time last year. August 4th 2008 in a little hospital room in Peterborough. You laid peacefully in your crib. Your tiny head barely bigger than the single yellow rose that lay by your side. I left you sleeping, of course your soul had already gone and the image that haunts me now is just that of your little shell.




Walking away, down the corridor, whilst my son slept in a little crib in a room all by himself was the hardest thing I've ever had to do Harry, and I'll never forget the emptiness, the loss, the fear and the panic that I felt when I had to leave you.




I don't know why we had to experience that loss. Why you and I didn't get the chance to get to know one another the way that a Mummy and her child should. I still don't know what caused the problems you had with your little shell. I guess i never will.




When a life is formed, so too is a sense of hope. The stronger the heart beats the larger the hope grows. Thoughts of the future, plans, aspirations all begin to form. Yet for us those hopes were weakened with every hospital appointment, every ultrasound scan. Until, bit by bit, we were left with a very different future ahead of us.




I knew you were destined for great things, my gorgeous man, but I had just assumed that i would get the opportunity to witness your achievements. Your first smile. Your first steps. Your first day at big school. Yet fate had different plans for you. Greater roles and tasks.




That morning, a year ago today, whilst Mummy was in labour with you, a single black and red butterfly searched for an escape between the blinds and the hospital window. He fluttered back and forth, for hours, desperately seeking the rush of air to free him. Eventually, of course, he found it and off he flew into the blue skies. Some creatures are just meant to stretch their wings.




He comes back to visit me, that handsome butterfly. He was here, in our house the day we moved in. He once sat with us in a restaurant, peacefully perched next to Lorelei and I took a picture on my phone. I use that same picture now as my screen saver. Last week he was trapped in our fish-tank and yesterday he was sat on the wall outside my kitchen, watching me do the washing-up.




Every cloud, they say, has a silver lining. Well it is only very recently that i discovered our cloud is dripping with a silver lining so sparkly and bright it makes the crown jewels look plain. My silver lining is so beautiful and precious and such a blessing. My silver lining has my eyes, framed with Daddy's curly eye lashes and he is as handsome as his big brother Harrison and as amazing as his big sister Lorelei.




I see now that in order to give us the gift of baby Leonardo you had to sacrifice your own life and time with Mummy and Daddy and Lori. If we hadn't of endured the pain and heartache of losing you, our precious son, at the halfway mark during our pregnancy, we would never have been blessed with our second son, little Leo.




Bitter sweetness is the expression I think they use. So very bitter and yet so very sweet.




Harrison Connolly, my little love, you will always be with us, in our hearts, Mummy and Daddy and your big sister Lorelei shall continue to think of you every day and to pray for you every night. And your baby brother, Leo, shall never live in your shadow, yet shall learn of the miracle his arrival was and what a gift he was.




I've always said you'd be my hero Harry and boy have you done me proud.




Forever blessed,




Mumma x x x

Picture
Butterfly - M. Carey

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way
it feels to fly

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