1 year has passed, and with it my life seems to have been catapulted into an entirely new dimension. One that is worlds away from where I was last year.

I married my best friend and he landed himself a new job, and they were the only two positive things to have happened in 2008. The rest, I concluded this time last year, was all negative, traumatic and sad, and would be filed away in the back of my mind in a box marked, ‘bollocks’ - which I would only ever open again when I felt the unusual urge to make myself suicidal or something.

2009 had to be better. It couldn’t get much worse. And though the year before had virtually erased every ounce of faith from my heart and soul I found myself beginning this, the 25th year of my life, with a weeny flicker of hope. Hope that began to glow and glow until eventually it illuminated my entire world and soaked me in a warm light of happiness.

I’ve loved almost every single second of 2009. It’s been the most positive year of my life so far and truth be told, I don’t really want it to end.

So much has altered. So many minor things and so many major things.

Of course the safe arrival of my son, Leonardo, has been a major highlight. The taste of which has been all that sweeter after sampling the bitterness of losing his brother Harry last year.

Harrisons journey from bump to butterfly was never in vain, it taught us all to love and appreciate one another so much more and it reminded us that life, for us, is all about family, friends and looking out for one another.

When we moved house at the end of 2008 we didn’t know a single soul. We’d moved to start afresh, to be a little closer to Jay’s new job and settle somewhere where the pain and memories of sadness weren’t around us every waking moment. We moved again this year, after having a small house fire a few months ago, but we’re still in the same village and our neighbours and the local community have become our friends.

We’ve met some truly wonderful people. I’m so grateful for that.

Having my book published last month is another highlight of course. It’s a dream come true. I can’t help but feel extreme satisfaction at the thought that I was able to take so many negative and traumatic experiences and turn them into something so positive. And my copy of my book now takes pride of place here on my desk in my office. Every time I catch glimpse of it I’m awash with the same kind of pride I feel when I watch my children playing.

2009 hasn’t all been rosy though, we’ve lost a number of loved ones this year. Jay has had to say a tragic farewell to both his Nanny and his Auntie, and between us we also lost an extremely valuable member of our family, our beloved dog, Mr. T.

So there are certainly more stars in the sky now and it pains us not to have them here with us, alas it is a comfort to know that there are others up there helping to take care of my baby boy in heaven.

Mr. C and I have plans to bid farewell to 2009 in style, we’re getting glammed up, consuming the last of the Crimbo booze and are off to flirt with Lady Luck at a Casino in town. How lovely it would be to begin the New Year with a little extra dosh in our sky rockets :-) I plan to let my hair down, (actually strictly speaking that’s not true, I plan on having my hair up tonight, but you know what I mean,) and will be putting my tiny fears aside for the night.

You see for a gal that doesn’t ‘do’ change, it’s gonna be a tough feat for me to let go of the past of which I tend to cling. I’m apprehensive. I know it’s only a day’s difference in the grand scheme of things and that tomorrow probably won’t feel any different to today, (though perhaps tomorrow will bring with it a hangover, as January 1st normally does,) but I’m frightened that with 2009 drawing to an end our new found happiness mightn’t last. I think I’m suffering from ‘Too good to be true’ syndrome.

Just how much happiness is a person allowed?

Ah well, Jay promises it’s only going to get better next year. And I have to believe him. He’s never let me down before.

So here’s hoping, darling friends, family and followers, that 2010 is a joyful, fun and fortune-filled year for us all!

Happy New Year all.

Here’s to the future :-)

Steph x x x

 
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Once upon a time, in a land faraway, there lived a princess named, 'Cordelia,' (actually her name was Stephanie but since that is very 80's, (sorry Mum, Dad, but it is,) we shall go with Cordelia for now,) naturally Cordelia was very beautiful, witty, intelligent, charming, charismatic and well, wonderful, (yes she was,) and she spent most of her life searching for her Prince Charming, (and the perfect pair of heels.)




Cordelia kissed her fair share of frogs in her quest for love and indeed met one or two princes, yet none of them seemed quite right for her, until eventually she fell head over high heels in love with Prince Jay.




Unfortunately Princess Cordelia and Prince Jay did not live happily ever after upon meeting, as they should have. Instead theirs was a back-to-front kind of fairytale, an Irish one if you will, and their pursuit of ultimate happiness was littered with sad, frightening and occasionally tragic experiences.




Their first castle together was invaded by drunken goblins from a strange land known as 'Chavsville.' The goblins destroyed all of the Prince and Princesses possessions, smashed the castle to pieces and hurt them and their friends in the kingdom and Princess Cordelia thought Prince Jay was going to die.




She saved his life with a kiss (because her kisses are magical) and together they went in search of a new castle. They thought their 'happily ever after' was in sight when they discovered they were going to have a baby and yet had all hopes dashed when they discovered their baby had gone to heaven to be an angel.




Later they found they had a new baby, a little prince, yet fate also intended for Prince Harry to be an angel too.




Once again the Prince and Princess, together with their little Princess Lorelei and all their animal friends found a new castle and opted to have a fresh start to their fairy tale, however once again tragedy struck as the Royal puppy, Mr. T ran into the path of a speeding chariot and sadly met his death :-(




When the Prince and Princess learnt they were expecting a new baby they were so frightened that they would not get a chance to meet this baby, that instead this baby would join his siblings in heaven yet finally the fates smiled upon the royal family and blessed them with Prince Leonardo, an heir to the thrown.




Princess Cordelia became the Queen of her castle, and Prince Jay became her King and together with their beautiful daughter the family were overjoyed with their gift. The whole kingdom celebrated!




And they all lived happily ever after.




The End.




Or is it?




I mean, what happens next? What happens when you've met your match and have everything you've always longed for? (Except perhaps that perfect pair of heels?)




Are you just content? Do you simply spend your days smiling happily and floating around your castle on cloud nine?




Or is there a sequel to the story? A new dream to pursue?




I know they say Fairytales don't exist. That they are merely fantasies, figments of the romantic imagination, but I am a believer, fiction or fact it is the concept of fairytales that gets me through most days.




I guess I've always lived with my head up in the clouds, where everybody loves one another and lives in harmony. Call me sentimental, a hippy, or just a soppy tart, either way it is the truth. But oh-so often the harsh realities of the world seem to draw me back down to earth with an almighty thud and it seems to take me an age to nurse the bruises this can cause.




I do believe that there is en element of light to be found in even the darkest of corners, that every cloud has a silver lining, that where god shuts a door somewhere he opens a window. Yet i am so suspicious of this place that I'm in, I'm so aware that it could all fall to pieces and that my happily ever after could simply transform into a 'happily for now' at any moment, that I struggle to just enjoy the here and now. And the truth is I'm scared.




What I really want if for someone to hold me in their arms, envelope me in love and tell me that it's all going to be alright, that I've been through enough tragedy for now and that I can relax and breathe knowing that this part of my journey is here to stay. But I fear nobody can do that for me, and instead I'm left feeling like a contestant on a game show, where I've reached an enormous prize yet could lose it all with just one wrong answer, one wrong move. If only I could just get to the next step where I could bank it all and be safe in the knowledge that my prizes are completely secure.




No one really knows what's round the next corner. Some people go through life with very little stress or strain. Others are given the world and don't quite know what to do with it. Some of us will fluctuate between happiness and sorrow and some of us will unknowingly invite drama in wherever possible. I think I fall into the latter.




How much of our lives do we really have control over? How much of it is up to the fates? Can I really just cling to all I have and fight off any elements that threaten to break it? Do fairytales really exist? Answers on a postcard please :-)




I'm going to stop analysing now, its hurting my head. Instead I am going to hold on tight. Be thankful for all I have and savour the moment, no matter how long it lasts.

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