Love, Luck & The Future

01/01/2010

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1 year has passed, and with it my life seems to have been catapulted into an entirely new dimension. One that is worlds away from where I was last year.

I married my best friend and he landed himself a new job, and they were the only two positive things to have happened in 2008. The rest, I concluded this time last year, was all negative, traumatic and sad, and would be filed away in the back of my mind in a box marked, ‘bollocks’ - which I would only ever open again when I felt the unusual urge to make myself suicidal or something.

2009 had to be better. It couldn’t get much worse. And though the year before had virtually erased every ounce of faith from my heart and soul I found myself beginning this, the 25th year of my life, with a weeny flicker of hope. Hope that began to glow and glow until eventually it illuminated my entire world and soaked me in a warm light of happiness.

I’ve loved almost every single second of 2009. It’s been the most positive year of my life so far and truth be told, I don’t really want it to end.

So much has altered. So many minor things and so many major things.

Of course the safe arrival of my son, Leonardo, has been a major highlight. The taste of which has been all that sweeter after sampling the bitterness of losing his brother Harry last year.

Harrisons journey from bump to butterfly was never in vain, it taught us all to love and appreciate one another so much more and it reminded us that life, for us, is all about family, friends and looking out for one another.

When we moved house at the end of 2008 we didn’t know a single soul. We’d moved to start afresh, to be a little closer to Jay’s new job and settle somewhere where the pain and memories of sadness weren’t around us every waking moment. We moved again this year, after having a small house fire a few months ago, but we’re still in the same village and our neighbours and the local community have become our friends.

We’ve met some truly wonderful people. I’m so grateful for that.

Having my book published last month is another highlight of course. It’s a dream come true. I can’t help but feel extreme satisfaction at the thought that I was able to take so many negative and traumatic experiences and turn them into something so positive. And my copy of my book now takes pride of place here on my desk in my office. Every time I catch glimpse of it I’m awash with the same kind of pride I feel when I watch my children playing.

2009 hasn’t all been rosy though, we’ve lost a number of loved ones this year. Jay has had to say a tragic farewell to both his Nanny and his Auntie, and between us we also lost an extremely valuable member of our family, our beloved dog, Mr. T.

So there are certainly more stars in the sky now and it pains us not to have them here with us, alas it is a comfort to know that there are others up there helping to take care of my baby boy in heaven.

Mr. C and I have plans to bid farewell to 2009 in style, we’re getting glammed up, consuming the last of the Crimbo booze and are off to flirt with Lady Luck at a Casino in town. How lovely it would be to begin the New Year with a little extra dosh in our sky rockets :-) I plan to let my hair down, (actually strictly speaking that’s not true, I plan on having my hair up tonight, but you know what I mean,) and will be putting my tiny fears aside for the night.

You see for a gal that doesn’t ‘do’ change, it’s gonna be a tough feat for me to let go of the past of which I tend to cling. I’m apprehensive. I know it’s only a day’s difference in the grand scheme of things and that tomorrow probably won’t feel any different to today, (though perhaps tomorrow will bring with it a hangover, as January 1st normally does,) but I’m frightened that with 2009 drawing to an end our new found happiness mightn’t last. I think I’m suffering from ‘Too good to be true’ syndrome.

Just how much happiness is a person allowed?

Ah well, Jay promises it’s only going to get better next year. And I have to believe him. He’s never let me down before.

So here’s hoping, darling friends, family and followers, that 2010 is a joyful, fun and fortune-filled year for us all!

Happy New Year all.

Here’s to the future :-)

Steph x x x

 
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If the penny hadn't dropped already it's certainly on its way down

14/05/2009

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And the further it falls the heavier the weight plunging to the depths of my stomach. The nerves, the anxiety, the sheer fear.  

I'm going to have a baby. Oh. My. God.

Have I been in denial this whole time?? I suppose not, I mean I've been counting the days for months now (36 left) yes D Day is definitely approaching and yet it's only just dawning on me that with it comes a little parcel that'll change life forever as we know it in this household. 

I've thought a lot about how this little person is going to make his entrance. Thoughts of labour, of birthing pools, of contractions and pain relief have been permanantly occupying my brain lately. I've prepared myself for, (and indeed am looking forward to,) becomming a 'single' human being again. Being able to sleep on my tummy, having a few, much-missed, drinkies and of course wearing my high heels again, but funilly enough I think i've overlooked the very valid point that at the end of this pregnancy comes a baby.

I should be an old pro by now. Afterall I took on this very same challenge when I had my daughter at 20. Yet 5 years have passed since then, with one pregnancy ending in miscarriage at 12 weeks and another ending in total tragedy at the half-way mark, and I suppose I've just been so occupied by getting through an entire pregnancy that the thought of bringing a new baby into our world has been pushed to the back of my mind.

I should be confident, quietly assured that I've spent the past 5 years raising a bubba, so can easily do it all again. Deep down though, I'm not afraid to admit that I am, (for the purpose of emphasis) totally shitting bricks here.

I know what's coming. It's all returning to me now. Crystal clear memories of the challenges and hurdles that I'm facing. The sleepless nights. The constant crying. The painful boobs. The baby blues. There will be no 'off' button. No instructions. And I'm going to be, once again, completely responsible for a brand new life. Just Jay and I, with our little helper Lori. And together we have to make this whole thing work.

Perhaps it's a good thing that I'm being realistic about this. I mean I know it's not going to be all rosy. I'm kinda prepared, if not expecting, for it to be tough. Unlike the last time round when the harsh realities of life with a newborn sent my preconcieved fantasies of maternal bliss tumbling to the ground. 

It's far better to be realistic than to set myself up for a fall, right? Or should I be thinking in a glass is half-full manner? Maybe positivity will be key?

Ooooh heck, help me!

Can i really do this all over again? Will i cope okay? How about when Jay goes back to work and it's just me and my new creation?

I know, i know, i should have thought about all this beforehand. Preferably nine months ago. But you see losing Harry, just 6 weeks before falling pregnant with his sibling has kinda thrown me just a tad. I was supposed to have my baby at Christmas, instead i have had the worlds longest pregnancy (well almost) and I couldn't really visualise the end, until now.

Well only time will tell I suppose. Wish me lots of luck though won't you? Just in case ;-)

Steph x

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