HD, 4OD, 3D? Try 1D. One dimensional, that is :-)

Because when I thought we had to throw caution to the wind and invite the entire nation to judge us, in order to have a shot at securing a family home, I was a little confused. Of course what we were really doing was inviting you all to judge the Jay and Steph that Ch4 showed you last night.  You know, Jay the wideboy sleazy salesman and Steph the shopaholic (ha, I should be so lucky!) shoeaholic airhead.

You see? One dimensional, pre-defined characters that were easily moulded to tick the box that Studio Lambert needed filling.

So in other words I’m Steph and I’m an unpaid actor, (‘Where’s my agent, get me my agent! Haha!’)

Strictly speaking, (and believe me I am admitting this shame-faced) I wasn’t ‘acting’ exactly. There is a part of me that likes to shop. And wear make-up. And buy shoes. (That would be the part of me that is FEMALE ;-) lol) But for the majority of the 48 minutes that we appeared on your TV screens last night, the other Steph and Jay, the one’s you all know, were masked behind the couple C4 wanted us to be. (‘Wymingtons answer to Posh & Becks’?! My goodness! I can’t stand posh and becks! If I’m anything like her you might as well just shoot me down now... Can’t say I’d necessarily kick him out of bed for making crumbs though! haha)

You’ve all been so lovely. So many lovely reassuring messages and kind comments and once again I find myself thanking my lucky stars that I am surrounded by so many truly wonderful friends and such a supportive family, I’m glad it appears we didn’t let you guys down, but I’m still a *tiny, weeny bit cross with how the programme was edited to include only the stupid things that I said...

Where was my book? Where was the hour of footage they captured of me feeling like a plonker, sitting in my office typing rude things on my laptop? (I don’t normally write rude words of course, it was just that rude words were all I could think of when they told me to start typing ‘something, anything.’) Where was my website? :-/ Where was the graphic-designing, video editing, audio recording cyber-chick Stephie?

Where was the footage of Jay outside with our chickens and ducks and bunnies? Where was the laughter and the cheeky comments we made to show that, when we were talking about colour co-ordination, fake tanning and such, it was all in jest?!

Naughty Channel4. Silly Steph & Jay.

That week, during which we were props in a show that calls itself ‘reality’ but instead is completely surreal, was one of the toughest experiences I have ever endured. And I’ve had some tough weeks. When they asked us why we wanted to win the house we told them we’d had a really shitty past three years and were desperate to secure a decent future for our family in a SAFE place that could help us restore our faith in community and human kindness. Instead they showed you all the clip where I said I liked 5* Hotels and Jay put two thumbs up and grinned his boy-band smile at the camera. Yep. Thanks for that.

Everytime you saw me crying on camera, (which actually made me cry to watch back! Soppy sod that I am!) I was crying because I’d been asked to divulge every single one of my innermost insecurities to the shows producers. ‘Why don’t you feel safe Steph? Are you worried your house might get broken into again Steph? Why do you think the villagers don’t like your family Steph?’

It was like being back at school. Sitting next to the class stirrer, who smirks as she plants seeds of doubt, worry and anxiety into the minds of the most vulnerable kids in the playground. The bitch.

My entire core was exposed during that week, as was my husbands. We might as well have been naked for all we had on display. They pecked, and pecked and pecked away at us, questioning us for hours and hours until we crumbled and gave them more or less what they required to make an ‘entertaining’ show.

They asked me lots about Douglas Road and losing Harrison. But they didn’t use any of it. Just the tears I couldn’t stop crying, which looked a bit shallow without a valid explanation.

And poor Jay. His character was totally defined by his current job title. He sells things. He might as well have stood up and said he kills baby animals for the stick he got. No mention of what a wonderful father he is. How brave and strong and broad-shouldered he is. How he is the reason I didn’t throw myself from any bridges back in the day, (it’s okay, you can laugh, I’m practically ‘sane’ again now I promise.) I feel fiercely loyal and defensive when it comes to Jay, if he’s upset I feel like my world could come crashing down. And just because he’s from London and earns his crust by selling products doesn’t mean he doesn’t get upset by things.

We were sent one or two nasty messages after the show aired, from strangers who had been rooting for Kate and Corwen to win. (Kate and Corwen were, by the by, absolutely lovely people, we didn’t think of them as our ‘rivals’ but instead the only other people who knew the intensity of the what we were all going through!) - The messages were really hurtful, but I guess I can’t blame them, they merely fell prey to clever editing. I might have thought we were a bit shallow and materialistic too had I been watching through the eyes of a stranger.

I’m not going to have any regrets. Because apparently they don’t work. (According to Robbie anyway) - I’m just going to embrace my husband and my children, pick myself up, dust us all down, keep calm and carry on.

So long as those of you, whose opinions we really value, still <3 us, that’s all that really matters!

Love to all, Thanks for reading!

Your Stephie x x x