Stephanie Connolly  Writer   Wife   Mumma   &  Shoe Queen    ;-)                     
 
30th August 2008

 “ . . . Now the drugs don’t work, they just make you worse. Or so I’ve been told.

 But that’s okay, cos right now I don’t need drugs anyway. I’m high on life.

 God that sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? But it’s how I feel right now, right now at this very second. And guess what? Instead of over-analysing this, like I do with most suspicious emotions, (I can’t help it, I’m female, it’s what we ‘do’) I have decided to embrace my new found high and run with it, (not literally though, I’ve already done enough exercise this week, thank you very much!)

 Speaking of drugs though, (and sorry if I get that crappy Verve song stuck in your head,) – I went through a stage not so long ago of really believing that I needed some kind of substance to keep me going.

I’m not necessarily talking about the illegal kind, (especially if any policemen happen to be reading this,) – I just felt like I needed a new addiction.

Cigarettes are out of the question, since I quit last July, (not that I’m counting the months or anything) – Jay won’t let me even look at them. Which is such a shame since I’ve sort of forgotten why I quit in the first place now.

The Nut Squad, (whom I haven’t seen in a least a week, (check me out!)) have prescribed me some kind of anti-depressant which makes me feel quite pissed, which is sort of nice, but can be a bit of a pain in the arse when it comes to putting my make-up on or something, (Co-Coa the clown needs to learn my techniques,) – They’ve also given me beautiful, beautiful drugs to take for when I need to sleep and can’t. I think they’re about the closest thing to heroin I’ll ever get my hands on, (heroin’s quite expensive isn’t it?!) I shouldn’t joke about that, heroin isn’t funny at all. It is just a waste of tea spoons, (or so I’ve heard.)

I’d love to get my mitts on magic substances of the green variety, or, ‘Wacky Backy,’ as my Mum still calls it, but unfortunately there’s not much call for it here in, ‘no mans land’, so all the drug dealers, (much the same as the pizza delivery drivers,) don’t seem to cover our area.

I was looking out for an addiction that doesn’t require a small mortgage to fund, (thus eliminating cocaine from the equation,) and doesn’t make you feel sick if you accidentally have too much, (so there goes booze too, which is good since the Nut Squad have forbidden me to drink just in case I end up sitting outside the local church with a can of Tens, slurring my words, peeing on myself and scaring the choir boys.)

In the end I settled for a very dangerous substance. Dangerous as it can be found in almost every household and therefore there’s no getting away from it. It is so amazingly addictive that they even sell it in our local shop, (which is a miracle, trust me) – no, it’s not aerosol sniffing, (I never did really understand all that sock and deodorant stuff anyway,) it is Chocolate.

One moment on your lips and a lifetime on your hips, yet I still crave it almost every evening. And now I can’t help but think how silly I am for wanting a new addiction in the first place.

Quickly I need a new fix? I’ll welcome all reasonable suggestions. Just don’t suggest I turn to exercise as we all know that that’s a load of bollocks. If exercise and endorphins and all that jazz were really as good as they’re cracked up to be, how come half of the world’s population is still obese??! Huh??! . Exactly. . .”

Seventeen months on and not only am I still a non-smoker but I am also a non-eater now too. (Of course I am still eating a bit, just not a lot.) And I’m kinda wondering what non-smoking, non-junkie, non-eating people do for kicks these days?!

Since I adopted my new saintly lifestyle I’ve found myself surrounded by rules and regulations. My new regime does not include consumption of chocolate, for example, which is a serious travesty. I am not allowed to smoke. Merely to breathe in the scent of somebody else’s cigarette smoke, (which may sound revolting to all you born and bred non-smokers, but is actually heavenly to former fag-heads like me.)  I am allowed to drink vodka, with juice, (cos at least that kinda counts as one of my five-a-day,) but Budweiser, (my beloved beer of choice) is totally outta the question.



So many rules. Too many for a gal with a rebellious approach to life, but I’m trying my very hardest to be a good-girl. After all it was my idea, (well, it was sort of me, the stroppy stubborn me that occasionally surfaces to put her two cents in from time to time.) And I can’t let myself down. (because stroppy stubborn Steph can be a force to reckon with you know.) 



I’ve got loads to tell you about regarding my mission to be a health saintly Steph, but for now I’m gonna indulge in something highly addictive which thankfully I know is good for me. Something I’ve been deprived of for way too long. Something that I know will leave me totally satisfied yet craving more at the same time. A little trip down Wisteria Lane and a large dose of the new series of Desperate Housewives. Yeah baby! :-)



Love to all



Steph x

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